Disappointed

I am sitting here thinking and I feel slightly disappointed in myself. There are situations going on currently that I have handled with a sense of entitlement and bratty attitude that doesn't really need to be there. I'm better than this, and because of this I'm disappointed in myself, and feel others are probably disappointed in me as well.

My mother is very ill, and I'm not sure that I've been the son so far that I should be. It's hard for me to deal with her illness, especially since I lost another parent not too long ago. I find myself getting annoyed when we speak for no reason, even though in my mind I tend to come up with reasons: she's self-pitying, ill in the head because of it, or just craving attention. But even if these things are true, it's still not right for me to react the way I do. If I was sick, and my spouse was gone, and all my children were gone, I guess I would feel a sense of loneliness myself. In fact, I admit I probably couldn't handle it in the way she has so far. I can do better, and I'm going to try to do better. I can't promise I won't blow up like I do, because I have anger issues, but I realize that there are things I need to work on. Even if I am right, my mother doesn't need to hear me tell her that. I just need to bite my lip and endure.

I find myself wallowing in my own self pity, due to financials and many other reasons, but I am a pessimistic person, and tend to look at the glass half empty. This is something I need to work on as well, even though I don't think that will ever change much. My outlook on life took a major change in the spring of 2006, and I don't think I'll ever truly recover from that. But I can try. I need to be a better friend, and one who is less focused on himself than on the others who help make life a little better.

Now, on a positive note: since January I have lost 34 lbs. I am on my way to my goal. In that respect, I'm proud of myself, and look forward the huge party that I'm going to throw when I reach that goal.

I want to start blogging everyday. I miss that, and usually choose not to because of the business of work, so I'm going to try to make a better effort.

Let me know how I'm doing.

Meryl Streep

I'm sorry for what I'm about to say.

Meryl Streep may be one of the most unattractive women I have ever seen. Every time I look at her, I want to vomit in my mouth a little bit. I'm not usually like this. I don't want to just rag on someone for circumstances truly beyond their control. But my goodness, can you name someone less attractive than her? Horrid, truly horrid. Every time I see a new advertisement for Julie and Julia I want to kill myself. She has never been attractive and she never will be. I hope this is her last movie so I don't have to see her disgusting pasty, pale skin again.

Cool Hand Bill

So, Bill Clinton goes into a nation full of foreign psychopaths. While in this country, he manages to persuade these psychopaths to let two of our journalists go. Man, I miss that family being in office...

Need more info? Check it out here.

G-Note: "Fiend" by Coal Champer

Vitamin G is...Scared of Old People on Facebook!

I'm sure you've noticed the upward trend of past generations logging their filthy claws into OUR Facebook. Yes, I know children, it frightens me too. In the past few months, I have added people as friends on my Facebook that I would never have even thought to do so before. The drunken photographs, the silly and demonizing videos, the link to my blog which conservative elders of mine will no doubt find disturbing, disgusting, and diabolical. All of these things are on my Facebook, and now I have to worry about the wrong people reading the wrong thing.

First, one of my co-workers added it. And while I'm not against the idea of having the Facebook bond with my co-workers, I know this particular one is a good, Christian person, and to tell you the truth, the idea of him having access to this blog via my Facebook made me want to put my head down every time I walked by him. I could feel his/her judgement like a giant block being placed on my shoulders by God herself.

Then, my grandmother. No, not my real grandmother. To tell you the truth, as I have mentioned on here countless times, I never really had grandparents. But this particular person has been in my life since I was a small child, and has basically adopted me as her third grandchild. The idea of her perusing through my photographs, seeing the devious deeds that I do when she's not around, well, it's enough to make my pale skin crawl. I want her to think I'm sweet, innocent, and polite...which I am...to her and most other elders. But for a lot of people to know the truth, well, it's just scary...

Then there's the fact that fellow employees from all over campus are on there...watching...waiting...for what, I do not know. But the idea...it just makes me feel so vulnerable...so exposed.

I don't talk about my religion to most. And when people get on there and see the truth, the kind of people who would be offended by such a thing and who I don't want to offend, well, it's offensive. But then again, I think about the truth. If these people can't handle who I am, then maybe they're just not worth knowing. And I'm sure the people I really love will have no problems with me being an agnostic that leans to atheism and a raging democrat.

Or would they...Mom?

As We Get Older

I often think about where I am in my life and measure it against where I thought I would be when I was younger. The truth saddens me slightly, not because I'm ashamed of myself or where I am (in truth, I'm proud of where I am), but because of how...normal and boring it all has become. As youngsters, we have dreams and ideas of where to go, what to do, and how the world should be and I feel that in age we lose these beautiful, uncontainable thoughts. Life has become dull, riddled with work and the inevitability of going home. Work and home. Work and home. Over and over again. And when I mention this to my friends, co-workers, and other compatriots, the only kind of response I get is..."What did you expect?" And I can't answer that question. I'm not sure what I expected. I guess I really didn't expect anything, which makes the true realization worse.

You see, I was given everything, and now that I reflect on this, I am very grateful. But it is because of this I feel life has taken a turn towards the mundane. I was taught and educated by my parents to do well in school, to make a life from an opportunity that they had missed so long ago. And I did do well. I eventually earned a scholarship that let me go to a university and graduate with a degree, the first in my family to do so. And, after only five months (which I have complained about, I know) I got a good job. Ten months later, I got a better job. These are not things to be embaressed. In fact, these are things to laud and be excited about. So why do I still feel so...empty?

I have wonderful friends, am currently working on my health, live in a beautiful place, and am getting control of my finanical situation which has always been a hindrance since graduating college.

Maybe it's because there's no more to look forward to. After grade school there was middle school. After middle school there was the excitement of high school. After high school there was the new and unknown adventures of college. And after college...well, that's just it. Nobody prepares you for that. We are told when we are younger to be prepared for the real world. I'm sure you notice how adults always say, "Enjoy it while you're young," and laugh and look at each other, acting as if we're ignorant to the fact...which it turns out, we are, or at least I was. I hated the idea that these older people even knew anything about me, where I was, and how I should enjoy my youth. And it turns out they were right. I think we can all agree that if we knew things then that we know now, aspects of our lives could have been different, and for the better.

We are not taught what to do in the real world. We find out on our own, and in this hard lesson we learn that it's not all it's cracked up to be. There are bills, money woes, the agonizing defeat of a difficult work day, the realization of the mortality of our parents, and the lack of imagniation we drew up on a whim so long ago. It's the little things too. The lack of my ability has for drinking, compared to five years ago. The downward spiral of energy I have today, as compared to years ago when I was ready to do anything, legal or not.

And I'm just 23.

What happens at 25? 30? 40? I can't even imagine. Do these thoughts get worse? Do we become trapped in this boring mortality? Is it still just work and home, work, and home?

Or am I just having a quarterlife crisis? Maybe it's not as boring as it seems. Maybe I have just plataued at the moment.

All I can say is that I hope something new and interesting happens. The days of going out to the bars, drinking, going home, watching movies, reading, and just hanging out are starting to lose their appeal. I want something new and stimulating.

Birthers. Are. Fail.

I can't believe there are still people out there who deny that President Barack Obama was born within the United States. Who are these people? Oh, that's right, republicans. I think Bill Maher said it best when he stated he'll show all these conservatives Obama's birth certificate when Sarah Palin shows us her high school diploma.

So, in the interest of fairness and to show how completely stupid and pointless this entire argument is, the link for President Obama's real life birth certificate can be found here.

And would you believe this? I didn't at first, but then again we can't put nothing past these ignorant conservatives. The birthers have actually forged a birth certificate of President Obama's stating that he was born in Kenya. You can find that story on Salon here.